There is a rising…

Mixed Media on wood, a work in progress

there is a rising
a slow rumble
that turns into a roar
when spirit says
no more...

I am kind
I am compassionate
but not weak
not weak
you would be wise
to move on
if a victim is what you seek
I trust
but will not be deceived
wisdom guides me
and my love
gives you a chance
to be redeemed
admit your fault
and be freed

there is a rising
a slow rumble
that turns into a roar
when spirit says
no more.


Just Keep Swimming…

Current feels

I had intended this to be a place where and I could share my art journey. I had hoped that with the new move and a place to freely create I would have an art journey to share. But then life.

Our eldest child ended up moving with us after a horrible break up with a partner of 8 years and losing his job. Generally not a problem, as we are always willing to help our children no matter how old they are. However, things have just gotten out of hand.

We now have a failure to launch situation on our hands. He refuses to look for work, refuses to seek mental health help, and he expects us to just keep providing for him. And he gets extremely angry when we mention anything about him doing anything to help himself get back on track. Things got so crazy Friday with him yelling, making offhand suicidal comments, and behaving erratically that we ended up calling an ambulance because I was afraid for him.

It was heartbreaking. He is such a beautiful soul and he just seems so lost. I don’t know how to help him. Husband is ready to just throw him out because he has been so disrespectful and this is pretty much his last chance to get things together. He talked with a councilor that came up with a plan for him to follow. Pretty much the same one I had suggested but whatever, he agreed to follow it. It is Monday and he has calls to make. I am giving him until 11:00 to do it on his own before I say anything.

Meanwhile, my mom had a heart attack and had to have a cath to put in stents. During that some plaque broke loose and caused her to have two small strokes. So now she is in rehab and physical therapy to help her get the motor skills back in her leg. Thankfully they believe she should be back to normal within two weeks. All this on top of her having cancer removed from her breast 3 weeks ago and starting radiation while she is in the rehab facility. And I am unable to go see her because my son cannot be trusted to be left alone…

Not exactly a creative environment.

I am stressed, I am sad, I am angry, and I am feeling very very alone…

Just keep swimming, just keep swimming….

Laid to Rest

As we were driving along the backroads of the Auvergne valley we came across this very lovely old cemetery. We had been driving for a while so decided to get out and stretch our legs.

I found this place of rest to be quite beautiful, especially compared to the cemeteries that are found in most United States backroads. I envy the place in time when attention was given to details and things were done with care and purpose, a purpose other than money or getting it done quickly.

I could imagine vampires pushing back the crypt covers when the sun set. Rising from their slumber in vintage suits and dresses to greet the night. It was perfectly creepy like that.

A WIP and a poem… and facing fears

WIP – Full Moon Bliss – Mixed Media on canvas

We see the beauty
Of the beasts within
As we were in the beginning
So shall we be in the end
Before we were tamed
We fan our primal flames
The fires within leap and bound
As we dance round and round
Building the magic and energy
Until our chains melt and we are free
To give in to our wild hearts
soar with eagles wings
romp through forests of evergreen
And love, Untamed, Unchained, Unashamed
And feral

I struggle sharing my art… So I am pushing into that fear to explore it a bit more. What is it that has me so afraid?

There is a fear of… “not being good enough” I think that is the biggest thing. I am so hyper aware of my imperfections, my lack of education, my lack of trained skills that I am afraid of someone else pointing all this out and making fun of me.

Oh boy, old wound there.

My childhood was fraught with ridicule. Every little mistake was made fun of. Every beginners attempt at something new was scoffed at and derailed by my brothers picking. Drawing, singing, gymnastics… it seemed that in everything I attempted to try my brothers would find me out, and be cruel. Ripping drawings and writings from my hands and laughing at them. Pushing me over as I attempted hand stands and mocking me as I attempted dance moves.

I see now that this bullying traumatized me in a very deep seated way. It made me afraid of being imperfect. It made me afraid to be myself, my joyful and explorative self.

Also, there was no one in my life that took the time to build my self confidence. If the bullying of my brothers would have been countered by someone who encouraged me things may have been different, but that was not the case. By the time I reached school age I was already so steeped in fear that I was withdrawn and quiet, other adults read that as “shy”. I was so afraid of negative attention that I tried my very hardest to just be invisible and unnoticed.

Hmm… It all makes me very sad for little babygirl me, left in this scary world with no one to trust, no one to be her champion.

We can not change the past though. All we can do is acknowledge and accept what was and move forward, but how do we move forward in a healthier way once these deep seated fears are unearthed? By being the person we needed when we were little.

So I begin by encouraging myself. Create! Dance! Try new things! It is okay to be a beginner, to not be perfect. It is okay to laugh at yourself and be a silly mess and just have fun TRYING!

I become my own mentor. I compassionately critique my work and focus on learning and growing instead of shaming.

Something I never had as a child was someone who would protect me, someone who had my back. I will be that person for myself now. And if someone decides they want to poke fun at me, well, I will dance ANYWAYS!